The Fellowship of the Returning Two Towered King!
by dj-fishboy
Summary: AS MUCH HUMOUR AS A WOODEN FISH (THATS A LOT!!) WITH ALL YOUR FAVOURITE LOTR CHARACTERS!


_LOTR: The Fanfic_

_Chapter 1_

...it all started on a cold night... so cold in fact that I feel the need to go into a 5 page description of its coldness, even though merely stating 'its f***ing freezing' would be perfectly viable. Frodo woke up feeling the ring pounding around his neck. He was glad, because he just had some crazy dream about some dude's wanting the ring so him and a load of losers, and a tramp, had to go and destroy the ring. Zany guys. But luckily he still had the ring. However due to the fact that this is a fanfic the fact that the entire Lord of the Rings saga was merely a dream means that...well, this is gonna suck. 

Anyway, he decided to go for a walk (?!?). This might strike most people as slightly odd, but his head felt like 200 tonnes, and  he wanted to clear it. The reasons for this will be explained shortly. And odd enough it was. So he put on his see through silk dressing gown he only wears when he is alone and wants to feel special. He walked past Meridocs house, Past Pereguin's (heh heh he sounds like penguin!) house and finally up to Samwise's house. He wondered whether or not to throw a handy nearby rock at his window. Man he hated that jackass. He wondered why he had been such great friends with him in the dream. 

Anyway he carried on walking in the chilled night….so cold in fact (roll on 5 pages) .. it was THAT cold. Anyway, where were we. Oh yes, he carried on walking, only to find a tramp, an oddly familiar tramp, but a tramp none-the-less lying on the floor. He didn't like the look of this tramp, but he looked like he could be hiding a very odd fact, like possibly he was the king of all men and the leader of the Dunduin...but that was just crazy! 

He carried on walking only to see an odd site. An elf and a dwarf, sitting next to each other on a log in a field around a fire, they were near the tramp, and one seemed to  be making a boat of some sort.....sensing their homosexual aura he continued swiftly on. He then saw half a broken horn on the floor. He picked it up. 'mmm, how curious...' and just for a laugh he threw it at the tramp and ran as fast as his little hobbit (did i forget to tell you he was a hobbit?) legs could carry him! 

He got to  the Brandy Buck canal, and saw a boat. It had H.M.S "The-Bail-Bucket-Is-In-The-Hull". He thought this was a somewhat odd name for a vessel, oblivious to the  striking hint, but  he was a little curious so he got on. That reason coupled with the fact  he was suffering from severe sleep deprivation due to the dreams waking him up, and as a result, probably hallucinations. Of course, never one to be held back by mere logic, he strode forward and cut the line connecting the boat to the jetty. He sailed slowly and silently into the middle of the canal, when he remembered through a weary and  delirious head, that there was the slight danger of an extremely fast current and the small matter of the surprisingly previously unknown waterfall, "The Water  Fall Of Death!!!". 

Yes, it really was pronounced with the three exclamation marks. This created some rather hilarious circumstances in the middle-middle-earth ages, as the weed smugglers would have to whisper its name as a meeting point (oh, yeah, just for the sake of this sub-plot, there was a secret cove behind the water). This would result in midnight meets going a little like this:

Smuggler 1: So, where are we gonna meet?

Smuggler 2: You know where! The cove behind THE WATER FALL OF DEATH!!!

Smuggler 1: Dude! Shut up! We gotta be quiet!

Smuggler 2: I can't help it! You have to say it THE WATER FALL OF DEATH!!! Or else it doesn't make sense. Sort of like Dusseldorf and Dûsseldorf!

Smuggler 1: Aww man!

As you can see, the fortunate naming of the cove led to many arrests of smugglers and such illegal men. However, this was of  little concern to Frodo, who was at this moment, hurtling towards his death at 50 knots per hour. He was fast approaching the water placed precipice, and he closed his bloodshot eyes just before he was about to fall. 

Suddenly, he  got  jolted from his seat in the boat, and across the floor, but whatever it was that he had hit was continuing to  propel him to the far bank. Frodo cowered on the floor, with his arms  over his head, when he suddenly heared a voice, booming over him. 

"You must of heard those stories, about the people who are about to get cremated and then they jump out of their coffin, bright as a daisy, alive and well? Well, that would be alright! Why didn't they do that to me? No! They tied me to a bloody boat and sent me off down a  river, didn't they!"

The voice was oddly familiar. Frodo dared to move his arms enough to see the face peering over at him, and to his surprise it had been one of the men from his dream! Borotire?

"Luckily, I am incredibly strong and I ripped of the pathetically tied rope! Aragorn, even in Boy Scouts he was a terrible knot tier…" He was glaring into nothingness, obviously the though of Aragorn bubbling his skin. "But alas, I was swimming desperately to the edge when I came across your boat, and decided to push it ashore, presuming it to be empty. Evidently not!"

Bororire?

"So, anyway, who are you little fellow? You look very much like a halfling, so we may be in the shire. By the way, my names Boromir, Heir of Gondor! Well, actually, thinking about it, I probably am not a heir now, but anyway, we must make haste!"

Boromir, that was it! Wasn't he the evil one? Oh well, never mind, he had saved Frodo's life, and could possibly find his way home, so the least Frodo could do was offer him a nights stay at Bag End. 

"Say, erm, Boromir, er Sir, would you like to stay at  my house for tonight, presuming we can find our way back?"

"Wow! The first thing you say to me, before telling me your name or where we are is offer me a room. Okay! So what's your name? Oh, and you can drop the Sir bit…" He replied, in his strong Baritone voice, as they walked down a path, leaving the trusted boat behind, which technically did not have a great track record. During the journey home, they did in fact become great friends, and by the time they got home, they had even managed to remember each others names! Now that's friendship for you!


End file.
